I'm Broken!

“I’m Broken.”

After sobbing for 20 minutes, these were the only words that I could say to express the way I was feeling.  Broken.  I knew it was a lie, yet it was how I was feeling at the moment.  My wife, so wonderful through my long struggle with a head injury, continued to speak affirming words and prayed with me before we ended our phone call.

The day started off innocent enough, just going through the normal motions and doing my job.  What precipitated this emotional upheaval was looking back.  It has been 2 years since my 6th and most significant concussion.  After 18 months I finally felt like I was getting back to my “normal” self.  I was finally implementing all the tools I had been learning at the Brain Injury Association and had found a medicine that relieved some of my lingering post-concussion symptoms.  I had a good month and then, bang, concussion # 7 arrived.

Discouraged, emotional, tired, frustrated and sad would be just a few of the words I would use to describe the way I felt afterwards.  I thought I was finally hitting a stride, only to stumble and falter as I continued the race of recovery.  I made the mistake in the midst of this emotional upheaval of looking back at things I had written and done last year.  Where I thought I was doing well, I realize now I was not nearly as “recovered” as I had assumed.  I more “maintained” than anything else at work.  I made mistakes, simple mistakes that I should have caught, and began beating myself up.

As I returned to work, the Lord reminded me of a prayer I prayed a few years back.  I had been studying the passage of Scripture where Jacob wrestles with the Lord. (Gen. 32:22-32) He came away with a blessing and a limp.  I prayed that the Lord would take me deeper, whatever the cost and make me more dependent on Him.  Shortly after that, I acquired concussion 6 and then 7.  I have spent the last 2 years learning to cope and accept what has happened to me.  I saw the blessings in my situation.  Sarah and I had many a conversation about how God has used these concussions to change me for the better in my walk with Him and my relationships with others.  I have become more contemplative, reflective and still, listening in ways I never have before.  I have found a heart of compassion for those suffering with head injuries and mental health issues.

In all of that I have been blessed….but until recently, I ignored the limp.  I knew it was there but I never really “grieved” over what happened.  I have suffered a loss.  I have a “limp” called an acquired brain injury.  It hit me recently that I will, barring a healing from God, never be the same again.  Yet in that grief, I also see how I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)  Despite the loss, I am still a new creation in Christ Jesus. (2 Cor. 5:17) Yes I have lost much, but I have gained so much more.  I can count all things as loss (Phil. 3:8) and look to Jesus Christ and Him crucified! (1 Cor. 2:2) I am honestly not ready to “rejoice” in my situation but I am ready to acknowledge God is still using, leading and guiding me.  Darkness may last for a night but there truly is joy in the morning.  (Psalm 30:5)

Night is ending and I see the cracks of dawn.

For now, I can rejoice in that.

You Can't Measure Forever

 My son is at an age where he is trying to quantify and measure things.  His big thing right now is trying to figure out time.  He uses his hands to measure out what he thinks you mean by a half hour, an hour, etc.  He keeps using the word 'forever' as well when he wants something to continue.  So when he was playing with his sister, he mentioned the word 'forever' and spread his hands wide.  My daughter said to him, "You can't measure forever!"

I heard that comment and was immediately impressed by the wisdom of that statement. 

We can't measure forever.  Keep that in mind as you look at Psalm 100:5 which says, "The LORD is good. His mercy endures forever. His faithfulness endures throughout every generation"

I thank God that His mercy does last forever.  I stand in need of His mercy and grace.  The fact that God is eternal and His mercies are everlasting give me cause to sing with joy!  In fact if you read all of Psalm 100, it speaks of just that:

A psalm of thanksgiving. "Shout happily to the LORD, all the earth. Serve the LORD cheerfully. Come into his presence with a joyful song. Realize that the LORD alone is God. He made us, and we are his. We are his people and the sheep in his care. Enter his gates with a song of thanksgiving. Come into his courtyards with a song of praise. Give thanks to him; praise his name. The LORD is good. His mercy endures forever. His faithfulness endures throughout every generation."

I can't read that passage without getting excited. 

There is so much here but I want to point out just a few things.

Serve the Lord cheerfully - We shouldn't act as if serving God is like pulling teeth.  We should do so cheerfully.  In fact we should do EVERYTHING as unto the Lord. (Colossians 3:23) We should do whatever we put our hands to with a cheerful heart.  In fact, it's good for us to do so!  (Proverbs 17:22)

He Made Us - God is the creator of everything.  People can debate the age of the earth and how we came into existence but the Bible says God did it.  That's good enough for me. 

We are His - God sent His Son and purchased us with a price, His own Sons life.  I am glad that I recognized and accepted that gift. 

We are His people, the sheep in His care - I praise God He truly does care for us, watches over us and guides us with His voice, His Word and His provision.

Yes the Lord is good and we have a reason to sing!  We can't measure forever, but I am glad that I have the chance to spend forever with Him!

Chickles and Peese

It has been 1 year since my last concussion.  It was not my 1st (or 2nd or 3rd or you get the point)...but hopefully it will be my last. 

I held out hope that the symptoms from this last concussion would pass away completely.  I remember the concussion I had a few years back left me unable to remember words like "eggs" for a few days.  It eventually eased and I went back to normal.  However, I know now that concussions build one upon another and even a mild concussion can leave you with a...mental limp. 

Which is where I stand today. 

The first month after my concussion was pretty rough. I slept a lot, tired easily and jumbled words and names.  My wife later said that at times I was like a zombie.  I was responsive but really, really mellow.  I suffered from headaches and was unable to read or focus for long or on anything in particular. 

Months passed, as did a majority, but not all, of the symptoms.  It has been a journey that has on one hand frustrated me to no end, and on the other, left us laughing.

For example, when company came over recently, instead of offering them a plate of sliced pickles and cheese, I offered them chickles and peese.  A friend who works with brain injured individuals told me that what I am experiencing is a form of mental fatigue.  In the evening, when I get tired, my words will still jumble around.  My reading time at one sitting has been reduced and I will occasionally say the opposite of what I mean, or insert a completely random word when telling a story.  My short term memory is spotty at times and after a taxing time mentally at work, I find myself napping more.

I have found comfort in these days through the Word of God.  I particularly like Galatians 5:22-23 which says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.."

I have always been a bit impatient and this season of my life is teaching me the value of waiting.  Through all of this my peace is growing as well.   I am in a new season in my life, and only God knows where He will take me next.  I look forward to the continuing adventure!

Whether it is illness, injury, unemployment, or another situation, we may at some time in our lives find our pace needs to change, and we are challenged by new limits.  It is then that we may truly see that our security and identity lie in Christ, not our own abilities. 

I Got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy....

Joy...I believe this is one of the most misunderstood words in the Christian faith. When you hear the word joy, may feel they need to paste a sickly, unnatural smile on their face and act like everything in the world is just peachy keen...

Insert a gagging noise here.

Who hasn't experienced the happy, happy, joy, joy Christians who want no one to mention adversity and seem to deny the reality that bad things DO happen? I remember one time someone asked how my wife was, I mentioned she had a cold and then was blasted for "negatively confessing" these things.

What does the Bible say about joy? I like Proverbs 17:22, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

What do we have to be joyful about anyways?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a FUTURE and a HOPE." Jeremiah 29:11

We have a HOPE AND A FUTURE! That is what we have to be joyful about.

Yeah bad things happen. However we should remember this: 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

There is also this passage in Romans: Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39

Life isn't always peaches and cream...my prayer for you is this: May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:11-14

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13

Laughter Anyone? - Just A Thought #35

Do you ever laugh? Not just a slight chuckle or an amused smile, but a hearty, deep down, slap your knee belly laugh, with tears streaming down your face? A laugh that makes your side hurt?
If so, do you ever notice how good you feel afterward?

Doctors do. Numerous medical studies have shown that laughter is truly good medicine. Doctors and scientists have found that laughter helps your respiratory system, reduces stress, strengthens your heart, lowers your blood pressure and even improves circulation.

It would seem those in the medical field have discovered what God knew all along:

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

So if the Doctor says it's good for you and THE Doctor (God) says it's good for you, why do so many of His children walk around with sour faces? I remember sitting in church once in TN and people were singing "the joy of the Lord is my strength", and you would have thought they were at a funeral. In fact one preacher told me to slip into a funeral message half way through the service and see if anyone noticed. If not, he said to bury them and move on...

Yes, we experience hard times. Life can be rough. Yet God also included this little passage in Ecclesiastes:

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance" Ecclesiastes 3:4

There is a time to laugh. We need to experience His Joy more. Yes, Christians can have fun...I know that may shock some of you, it's OK...you'll live. Christians can have fun and not only that, they can have wholesome fun! We can laugh, tell jokes and smile. It won't kill us and it may just make an impact on the world around us.

Remember Jesus...you found him at feasts, weddings, etc...I bet He laughed to!

Imagine that.