Up and Down and Inside Out!
Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I feel like I am on an emotional roller-coaster, going up and down and inside out. I also know, from talking with others, that I am not alone. Mostly I can keep it all in check...but life has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it.
I have also found that trying to handle things in my own strength doesn't work.
In fact, it leaves you worse off than you were before.
The only solution I have found is to turn to the Lord.
"When you look for me, you will find me. When you wholeheartedly seek me..." Jeremiah 29:13
I had an unexpected panic attack last week. While having a medical check-up it seemed to come out of nowhere. It left as quickly as it came but it also left me feeling a bit hollow. It wasn't my first panic attack but this one was different. It drove me to Jesus Christ.
I knew there were issues I have needed to deal with for years. Healing that needed to take place. I knew it was time, far past time really, to bring these things to the cross. I always kept a bag of burdens to myself. I asked Jesus to be my savior but I wasn't ready to ask Him to be Lord of everything. I wanted Him to be Lord of MOST things. I didn't want Him poking in my bag of burdens. I didn't want to unpack my past. However, my past has been affecting my future.
So I said a prayer and contacted a Christian counseling friend. I am looking at the Word and letting the Lord sift through my bag of junk. It's not easy. There were many hurts I have experienced that I kept pushed down. It is hard to see it spilling all over the place.
Yet it is also refreshing. I feel more free as I allow this stuff into the light.
I also know it's a journey. I know that I need to cling to the Lord daily and to work with Him and not against Him.
My wife Sarah wrote a song last year that epitomizes my thoughts and feelings right now.
Hide me in Your holiness; shield me in your presence
Fill me with songs of deliverance
Guide me in Your righteousness; hold me in my brokenness
Keep me from harm all the days that I live
Father, You're my hiding place
My fortress and defense
My tower and the shade at my right hand
Jesus, You're my only hope
Lover of my soul
Empty I cry, "Lord, You're the strength of my life."
Lord, You're the strength of my life;
You're the giver of everything good.
I come to You now as a child to receive,
the Love that you poured out for me.
The love that You pour out, the love that You pour out,
the love that You poured out on me.
Dare I say it, but I am glad I had a panic attack last week. That panic attack has driven me back to the foot of the cross. Not a bad place to be.