A number of years ago I thought very seriously about committing suicide. Actually, the thoughts tore at me during several periods of my life, and at one point it seemed like the only answer. I told myself so many lies. No one really cares about me anyway. The world would be better off without me. I can’t take it anymore. My problems are overwhelming. I want out! Death would be easier. Lies: all lies. Yet, I believed so many of these thoughts. It seems the same is true for most people. We begin to believe the negative things we hear others say about us, or the rejection messages we have been sent by the people around us. I believe these lies are Satan’s tools to keep our eyes off of Jesus.
I started out as a very sick young child, with constant nosebleeds, being misdiagnosed with Leukemia and then Hemophilia. I was in and out of hospitals with broken bones and various ailments. As I grew, it was discovered that the cause of my weakness was only that I had severe allergies. What a relief! Only I was so skinny that I was constantly being picked on, beat up, etc... To top it off, I grew up with my Mom being sick and being warned she would die from Multiple Sclerosis. I had to shoulder a lot of responsibility as a young child, more responsibility than a child needs to bear. I would help my Mom with my younger brother and sister. I tried to be the mature one, the strong one.
However, being sickly and with a dying mother, I developed a lot of fear about death and dying. It was always in the back of my mind. Looking for a safe place from those fears, I began to check out religion. I had been raised nominally Catholic, the only religion I knew as a child. My only remembrance of church was something I felt I could not relate to. I talked with a friend who began to tell me about ESP, palm reading, astrology, etc and I began to try to learn about these things, reading books, practicing palm reading, ESP, etc..., but the fear still held me in a firm grip. I could not find peace of mind.
One day my life changed. My family moved to another state. Upon arriving in our new home I began to seriously consider church again. One day a lady from a local Baptist church invited me to a vacation Bible school. After two days of listening to how much Jesus loved us and how He died on the cross for us so we could belong to Him, I became so excited that I prayed and asked Jesus into my heart as Lord and Savior. I thought all my problems would be over. I was wrong. I was told some very unscriptural things from a church official which led me to immediately begin doubting my salvation. I started worrying even more about the things happening around me and in my life.
A few months later my Dad lost his business and we then lost the home we owned; we were forced to move from the next house we rented due to the inability to pay our rent, and the pattern was to be repeated in the next house, and the next. We very soon had no place to live. We began to sell off all of our furniture, jewelry, toys and other belonging to put food on the table. We never knew what to expect or where our next meal was coming from. Looking back, I see that God never left us, but at the time it sure felt like it.
As I entered adulthood my family slowly came out of this poverty. I moved away and got married. I became a missionary to a foreign country. I thought things couldn’t be better, and then they got worse.
I was still so afraid of death and dying; so afraid of losing everything again; so afraid of life. I began to think my only hope was the very thing I was afraid of.. death. I had begun a secret struggle with pornography; anger was overwhelming me; I was yelling, unhappy. I wanted out. I felt like I had reached my limit.
There came a point where I began thinking regularly about suicide. I felt it was my only option. Life had become unbearable. I was massively depressed and it was harder and harder to fake a happy face for those around me. I soon began talking openly of suicide. After mentioning this rather frequently my wife became so concerned that she called a Christian counselor seeking advice. She then told me that if I mentioned it again she would know I was serious and she would call an ambulance and get me help. I was crying out for help, but in my mind I truly believed that no one could help me. One day I went for a drive and with tears streaming down my face, I started contemplating how to crash my car and end it all. I remember screaming out loud, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Something happened at that point which is hard to explain but I heard the Lord speak to me deep inside. He said, .You are right. You can’t, but I can.. I broke down. I felt a wave of relief sweep and a true peace that passes all understanding began to enter my heart and mind.
The Lord then brought me into contact with a Christian brother who shared some deep Biblical truths with me. What were these truths?
It began with realizing that the Lord was my only answer. I discovered a secret. A secret so powerful it changed my life. It started with John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." Christ died for me and He took ALL of this junk, all my fears, my doubts and insecurities, my worries about the future, He took all of it to the cross. He banished death and gave us the hope of an eternal future with Him. "Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy the power of death, that is, the devil, and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death." Hebrews 2:14 -15
The answer then led me to Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." This means that I died to sin. Christ took my sins, my life to the cross. He is living in me now. He has been since I first gave my heart to Him.
Then I was shown Ezekiel 36:26 which says, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." I found out that He had given me a new heart. Brand new! I became very excited by these truths and as they began to soak into my life my life was changed forever.
I discovered that all the things I struggled with, all the lies I believed, were just that--lies. God loved me, gave Himself for me...changed me. I still have problems that pop up in life. However He has given me the strength to handle them. Suicide is no longer an option. A greater power and truth now operates in my life: God the Father, Jesus His Son and the great comforter, the Holy Spirit. If you've ever felt suicidal...like life isn't worth it, then email me...let's talk.