As I wrestled with my son on the floor, he came close to my head with his hands and I immediately froze, a nervous sweat breaking out across my forehead.
Another time, I bumped my head and immediately became anxious, concerned that this blow may result in yet another concussion.
The fact of the matter is that bumping our heads is just a part of
life. It happens...to everyone. We bump into things as we walk through
life...and it's not the end of the world.
I know that.
Yet it hasn't stopped the panicked feelings and anxiety that seem to pop
up unexpectedly. You can't predict a panic attack. Anxiety can pop up
unawares. When it happens, it can momentarily cripple you. Reason and
logic seem to vanish.
The reality is that I don't need another head trauma. Living with an
acquired brain injury is a challenge. Yet, I have seen significant
improvement over the last 2+ years as well. There was a point where I
could only read about 5 minutes before the headaches started and I would
lose focus. Now I can read a whole lot longer and the headaches are
gone. My concentration and focus has improved. Yes I have to put
things into manageable chunks and I need deadlines but I can get things
done easier than I could even a year ago. At one point, immediately
after my 6th concussion, I could not even recognize the letters on a
keyboard. Trying to write a blog post...or anything...was a challenge.
Now I can write sermons and blog posts again...though I do write a lot
less than I used to.
I no longer stumble over my words as much as I used to...unless I get
really tired. I do have to nap more than I used to. There was a point
where I struggled to do any public speaking and my sermons had shrunk to
around 5 minutes. Things began to improve but I could not speak without
notes and would lose my place frequently. Now I can talk for an hour
with few notes.
I have found comfort recently in Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
I have been praying for a healing and I have found improvement, though
not as quickly as I would like. I have petitioned God. Not just
praying, but praying with the passion and desperation of a broken man. I
have also began to thank God for the vast and significant improvements I
All is not lost, I have a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11) I know
that I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
(Philippians 4:13) It has been a long journey, one I never
envisioned...yet I also see how God has moved in the situation and
changed me for His glory through the process.
For that I thank God.